I should have done this a long time ago, but... however, here it goes, a piece of my story.
I've been fighting through bad comments and people's thoughts around three years, it started as a thing that I thought I wouldn't care, but, through the years I've realised that all those comments have created a horrible person inside me, and I can't deal with this anymore.
Anyway, I met a girl, one of the most amazing girls I've ever met in my life, she's quite similar to me, and the truth is that she's one of my best friends, maybe the best one. As I was saying, she's perfect for me and she has helped me more than anyone has tried. One day, while I was partying in my town, I read a horrible message from her sister, she was in the hospital cause she had problems, you know, eating disorders and stuff. I felt guilty, cause I could have helped her, and I didin't, I spent all the months she was there closed feeling guilty, and I still do.
Finally, she came out of there, and I went to see her, cause she lives far away from me, even though, I went to see her cause I needed to see her more than ever.
And what I wanna do tellign this? Wanna stop feeling guilty cause I know she's still broken, and I am, but I take apart my problems cause I care of her more than me. I've been crying day by day thinking what would I do without her, if she disappears, what am I  gonna do? She's my strengh. The last weeks I've been having horrible nightmares, where  she told me I was the problem, and if she dies is because of me. I got up crying day by day, I was crying in class, I was broken, not only because of her, because of so many things and myself problems too. My tteacher told my parents I was always crying and I was going down with my marks and all that school stuff. My mother asked me and I told her it wasn't anything bad, just because one of my friends from my town, my best friend here had moved to another country and I felt alone. But I still kept in silence.
A few weeks ago I traveled to Germany, and I thought that there I would start a new life and I will forget everything, well, that's quite true, cause while I was there I forgot all that I was in, but, when I returned from Germany, everything came again, stronger than ever, my pain started again, harder, and I also kept in silence cause I was going to spent a few days with my friends in the beach for easter holidays, but I was feeling guilty cause I didn't said nothing, and I was feeling guilty cause my girl didn't talked to me for a long time and I missed her. I was all days thinking about how she would be now, or if she was worst, all those bad things came to my mind, and add my own pain to all those problems. One day, at night, while I was with my friends  at that easter holidays, I started to cry, and I could't stop, I exploted. I could't do this anymore, my friends were concerned cause they didn't know anything. I went to the bathroom crying and I fell on the floor, I started to hit me saying to me how terrible I am. All my fears came to me, and I couldn't stop them. I called my mother. She was frightened cause I was crying and she didn't know why, I just said a thing: "Mum, I hate myself, I don't feel comfortable here, I feel bad and I don't like this." my mum was shocked, she didn't said anything, then she told me to stop, to breathe and to think about what I wanted to do, that night I said the same to my friends, I told them that I don't like anything about me and I had to leave because I needed to be alone, and they understood me. That night my father came to picked me back home, and that I night I was crying for ages with my mum near me, cause I couldn't stop. My mother told me that we were going to start to visit the doctor and she and the doctors will help me. And I was afraid, I told her, and I'm still afraid of what can happen to me.
Anywaym, while I'm broken in pieces and I can't deal anymore, I still prefer to help my friend, cause I love her more than me, and even if I'm too bad to help, I will be there for her.

My friend, if you read this, believe me, that I'll be there for you even if I'm falling down.
Love you, more than I love my own life, and you know that.
And, mum, dad, friends, I'm sorry, I'm sorry cause I'm not the perfect girl, I'm not the one I was a long time ago, I'm sorry to be like this, It's my fault, I'll try to go out of all of this, but I'm sorry for being that horrible monster I am now. I love you all.
A. xx.